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>Who Should I Marry?

>A week ago I presented twenty areas of discussion all couples should not only think about before getting married, but completely discuss with their prospective spouse. To maintain continuity, we have decided to reprint the entire article here including footnotes.

Who Should I Marry?
 Sant Julia de Loria and Don White
Brad Womack, star of The Bachelor, with Emily on ABC TV

   Before even thinking about marrying your friend or lover, answer the following questions. Find out who you are first. If you and your significant other are not compatible in most of these potential deal breakers, forget that relationship—it might explode in your face.

   If you are far enough along in your relationship, discuss the following together:
1)      Do you insist on making all family decisions yourself?
2)      Do you believe women should decide when, how often, and how to have sex?
3)      Do you want to continue working? Would you like the other marriage partner to work and you take care of the children in the home.
4)      If you are a man, are you okay with the idea that your wife is smarter than you and makes more money? And if you are a woman, the same question.
5)      Do you know of any family diseases? How and when would you communicate this to your prospective spouse?
6)      Are you a stickler on having only boys, or only girls?
7)      If you’re a man, do you think the wife should stay in the home and do all of the chores, including after you arrive to your home from work?
8)      How neat and tidy are you? Some men don’t even know how to make a bed.
9)      Are you willing to take a back seat to him/her, or do you always have to dominate every discussion, even in front of friends or guests?
10) Do you like to compliment others? Do you always have positive thoughts about your prospective spouse, or sometimes are you irritated by him/her and at odds with what is said?
11) Does your friend ever become violent? Does he or she have a temper? What is being done to eliminate that?
12) Do you fight with others over things?
13) If there’s not much money, where will your money go first? And does he/she agree with those priorities?
14) If you went to college, would you provide your children – and even your wife or husband – with that same opportunity, if possible?
15) What are your political and religious orientations?
16) What is your position on hard work, morals and ethics, and on setting goals and obtaining them?
17) If you and your friend are not of the same religious faith, would you be willing to change to maintain family unity and love.
18) Is there anything you wouldn’t do to protect your spouse and children?
19) Would you as a woman like to rule the roost or would you rather be married to a man who ruled over you and provided the security a woman needs? There is a third alternative. In most successful marriages, husband and wife become a team. Together, they decide the big issues. They utilize what is called a family council. Family councils must not be interrupted, so many families now dedicate one day of the week to being with their family, discussing important issues, studying religion, and having fun, including playing games and singing songs. The evening is not complete without refreshments. This is a fine pattern for parents to set because after children come, this time can be used to educate them and the poet was right: All work and no play makes Jack and Jill dull kids.
 Do you have a testimony of God the eternal Father in Heaven and Jesus Christ as the Savior of mankind? You may call your God something else, such as Alla, the Great White Father, deity, or divinity. If you are Hindu there are a hundred different words meaning God, such as Ananda–Supreme Bliss, Satya–Supreme Truth, Mahesha–the Great Lord, Tat–That, Tattva–Absolute Truth, or Eka–the One. Indeed Sanskrit has hundreds of such words to describe God.
20)  If you are not Jewish, Christian, Islamic, or Hindu, what religious and moral views do you have? It could be that both of you have no religion. You may even be atheists. That may work in marriage so long as both believe in the same principles and are willing to raise their children with these values.
People today don’t value religion as in days before. That is unfortunate, but if neither party is religious, if entering a marriage relationship you know that, it should not be an impediment for marriage and a long, happy relationship.
   If both parties are of the same faith, this is one more pillar or stake tying the couple together. If your friend is a staunch Muslim and you a staunch Christian, sooner or later your love for each other may dwindle and fade. One or the other should convert over to provide proper unity and harmony in the home.
Brad Womack and Emily Embrace After He Decides
   Twenty years ago most women would have chosen the perceived security that came from a strong decision-making spouse. Even today that is often the choice, unless couples are faced with a dilemma like that presented in the TV show “The Bachelor.”
   Here’s the deal on this ABC show. One series is called “The Bachelor” and the alternating one “The Bachelorette.” The leading man this time was Brad Womack from Austin, Texas. He was everything a woman would want, supposedly: strong, good-looking, resourceful, kind, well spoken, and successful in his job or business. He chose carefully a demurring, soft-spoken beauty, a southern belle who splashed her vowels with plenty of honey and love.
Cape Town, South Africa where Brad
and Emily’s last date occurred

   It wasn’t until she received the last rose and the expensive diamond engagement ring that she became brave enough to reveal her other side. Brad had to realize her personality changed. It hit him straight in the face like a powerful rebuke. It all started when Emily realized to have Brad as her husband she and her daughter had to move to Austin, Texas. Then, for the first time, he saw her other side: a hard, calculating, intransigent, bullheaded person that men avoid like the plague. He loves her like crazy, but then he finds she has this terrible disease – not a real disease, but the consequences are like she had leopricy. dread in a woman but many men are guilty of.

   There was one final Monday night show, this time before a studio audience. It followed the last regular Monday night of romance and decisions on beautiful locations like South Africa. Womack had chosen Emily to be his bride and given her a ten-thousand-dollar diamond on the foothills of the beautiful city of Cape Town.  
   The following Monday was a chance for Brad and Emily to be reunited before an ABC TV studio audience that gasped when she said there was no way she could marry Brad. At least not on the day chosen for their wedding that happened to be that Monday.
   For the first time, a vast television audience and studio fans were seeing the other side of the soft-spoken, loving mom of a cute little five-year-old girl.
   Emily’s demeanor hadn’t become demonic, but her ability to wrap Brad around her little finger seemed to have. Millions of viewers across the nation saw a brave obstinacy, self-will, and stubbornness that they couldn’t have imagined this beautiful girl with the southern drawl could ever command.   
   It was Emily seemingly sabotaging the marriage, not Brad. Clearly, Brad was not in control of the situation, Emily was. If they married, it would be Emily who would decide.   
   Contrary to his hopes and dreams, She became a problem. It really started before this show. It appeared that Brad lost much of his charisma and power; and during the one-hour climax show Brad, the positive trooper, vowed that he loved Emily and would never give up on his quest to carry her across the threshold of his humble loft. That humble loft might be the epicenter of Emily’s reluctance.
   During the finale, Emily transformed into a female puppet master pulling all the strings. Even her long, feminine curly locks had been shorn—replaced with shorter, strait hair.
   But it was Brad that became the rigidly dumb wooden puppet. He actually looked embarrassed. He knew it and she knew it. She had put Brad completely on the defensive, and it surprised the audience when she said they had been fighting. Who knew Emily had it in her to fight with this he-man.
   It was Brad who was bobbing his head this way and that. It was Brad, not Emily, who was nervous and unable to speak with his old self-assuredness. On the contrary, Emily came across as strong and self-assured, someone who was up to disciplining and taming this 38-year-old sex symbol, but only on her terms.
   It appeared that if the two ever came together in marriage, it would be on her terms, not Brad’s.
   Yes, this is the same Brad Womack with the hardened muscleman pecks and the chiseled abs of a weightlifter. But this time he was without the confidence of the world-beater he wanted to portray. If either of them looked composed and brilliant, it was Emily, definitely not Brad.
Suddenly Brad Womack seemed inches from becoming unglued. We assume he was chosen by ABC for this high profile gig because in every facet of personality, physicality, and social grace he had appeared strong. That night Emily took him apart. She removed every pretense, tearing away his male chauvinist image—the self-assured macho persona every unmarried male in America wanted to emulate. Unmasking him for what he once was and now wasn’t,  the effervescent, kind, loving fellow every girl wants to marry. Before TV cameras, metaphorically he was kicked aside the head by a woman whose new obstinacy rendered the muscle man awkward and mulish.
   What went wrong in that relationship? Maybe nothing, except that he failed to read her correctly. Brad had a false perception. You can blame ABC for that. Here you are, you have many beautiful women to choose from; a different date each week – sometimes alone, sometimes as a group date. This would get old after a while, but Womack played the part to perfection. Each week the giddy, obsequious girls were on edge waiting to get axed or to receive a rose. Many of them admitted they would give anything to marry the man, so they were always on their best behavior, afraid of criticizing Brad, the network (which is not beyond criticism), or scriptwriters. And don’t tell me this thing wasn’t scripted. It was.
   Don’t blame Brad. Who knew Emily was not the weak and trusting gem she played and that Brad had chinks in his armor. Yes, he was good-looking and smooth. All of that.  The script allowed him to be on top each time while the girls writhed at the thought of getting sent home. Not an ideal situation. Not the way a girl should find the man of her dreams.
   But give Emily credit. In the end she came out looking stronger and more beautiful notwithstanding her hardball tactics.
   Let’s get down to discovering how to determine who you should marry. Whether male or female, please answer the above questions to determine who you are and what you are looking for before getting into a pre-connubial relationship. You don’t want to be Brad—who fell in love with an image of the perfect girl only to discover she’s not going to move to Austin, Texas (or where your lucrative business is) as she said she would.
   Finding a marriage friend from the ABC show “Bathelor” is a bad idea. It has been going seven years and, apparently, all it has to show for it are three married couples? There may be more, but the moderator of the show would have mentioned it if that were true.
   It’s possible you are not as strong-willed as either of the “Bachelor” stars. And that’s not necessarily bad, especially if your goal is to get married. Something has to give for two people to get married. To be bullheaded is not good if you fall in love with an obstinate person. Two people banging heads against brick walls will never work.
   After taking the self-evaluation you may come closer to finding the kind of person you should be dating.
   Answer honestly but privately. Your answers should help you find the right one for you and how act and to present yourself to that one-in-a-lifetime guy or gal.
   Warning: Some lovers rebel at the idea of being the primary breadwinner. This is where the man would stay at home tending the kids. But that’s how it works out in many instances. Perhaps the woman has the superior intellect, education, and job. If that’s how it turns out, what’s wrong with men and women reversing roles in the home? Many wives love their careers and wouldn’t think of quitting.
   Our current secretary of state, a woman, is acting like the president, a man. Hilary Clinton has long urged Barak Obama to get involved in the Libyan civil war. Finally, with the protection of his comfort blanket, the United Nations, Obama relented and has declared war on Libya, taking a secondary position behind the French and British who buy oil from Libya. “Okay,” he probably said. It’s what Hilary has always wanted, so why not.” One thing you must understand about President Obama. He is not really in charge in the West Wing, Michelle is. This is very controversial because Democrats get offended when we even mention Michelle Obama. But if you Google the topic, you will find a number of Michelle Obama initiatives that Barak reluctantly agreed to.
   Am I saying Barak Obama is unable to make a decision? If so, it may be a result of the training Michelle gave him at home following their marriage. It’s easy to imagine that whenever he lost control to her at home he learned how to deal with her. He gave her what she wanted.
   We are speculating because there is very little information about Barak Obama.  Barack Obama Sr. was killed in a car wreck in 1982; and from the time the man-child Barak was in Indonesia living with his mother, Ann Dunham, and stepfather his name was Barry Soetoro.. When Ann died in 1995 of ovarian cancer he was alone for the first time and had to lean on his grandmother and what he had already learned from Communist Frank Marshall Davis, a frequent visitor in their Hawaii home, and Mr. Soetoro, the indonesian stepfather who had taken Barry to Muslim mosque.
   Ann Dunham Obama Soetoro was a strong figure in Barak’s upbringing. There is a natural corollary in politics. When Obama lost his father and mother, he lost his bearings. He knew he had to have a strong mother figure in his home, and eventually that became his wife Michelle. We can learn much about Obama by studying his wife because what he knows of adult relationships he probably learned from Michelle, a strong wife figure.  
   History tells us that in some lands the mother passes on her surname or family name to the husband and to all the children. This is becoming more popular, especially in America. In some countries the mother’s name goes to the girls in the family and the boy’s get the father’s surname.      
   In Japan the 5,000 yen bill has a woman on it. The man who agrees with this point of view would naturally take her family name as his own and more and more American men are doing just that. Each has a different reason. Sometimes both parties are professional’s, such as writers, and want to maintain their own names after marriage.
   My wife and I know a successful artist who retained her maiden name and there is nothing wrong with that. Everyone should have a choice of names, except for one thing. In doing genealogy it makes it a lot more difficult to trace names on pedigree charts throughout generations if names crisscross in history, one time the boys taking the fathers name and in the next generation the mother’s. When a man has his father’s surname and suddenly takes his father-in-law’s surname you can imagine the difficult that causes.
   A cultural change between men and women is taking place in America. In the July/August issue of The Atlantic 2010, the magazine’s lead article was called “The End of Men.” The article said: “Earlier this year, women became the majority of the workforce for the first time in U.S. history. Most managers are now women too. And for every two men who get a college degree this year, three women will do the same.”
   For years, women’s progress has been cast as a struggle for equality. But what if equality isn’t the end point? What if modern, postindustrial society is simply better suited to women? This is cataclysmic: a report on the unprecedented role reversal now under way—and its vast cultural consequences.
   Some women now believe family property should be in their name only and some men agree with that. Why not, women live ten years longer than men. In this regard and others women are the superior gender.
   A minority of women secretly want the final say in all family matters. One could ask how the young mother of a five-year-old named Ricki could be so dogmatic. Didn’t she say over and over again that she loved Brad?
   Believe it or not, many men don’t want the stress of making all the decisions. They regularly defer to their mother, significant other, or to their wife. Brad isn’t one of them.
   Those women want the final say in all aspects of sex (when, where, how) and they make life a living hell for the man in their life that refuses to acquiesce, even if its just to keep peace in the house.
   Women often say their job/career is more important than his. And it well might be in today’s world. An intelligent man may have to agree to her terms if that is the case. For example, when a male nurse marries a heart surgeon.
   Most women consider his income family property, over which she has final control. If you are married to this girl, you too will consider your pay family property, over which she has final control.
   Any emotional or sexual infidelity of the husband is a serious offence to a wife, deserving serious punishment. Wives are more moral then men. If the man doesn’t feel the same way—and this should be discussed before marriage—they should not tie the knot. The punishment should be a joint decision, but in most marriages it is not. The wife merely withholds sex for a long period of time until she can trust him man again or she arranges for a divorce.
   If she can’t tame her man, or if the circumstances are too egregious, she must file legal papers or let him know that any further deviation from complete fidelity won’t be tolerated. Tiger Woods lost almost half of his wealth because Elin Nordegren Woods found Tiger had been shaking up with fourteen prostitutes out on the golf tour. Since that international revelation, his golf has gone downhill fast. The year isn’t over, but it appears his moral indiscretion has cost him his concentration and number one status in the world. Who knew there were chinks in the armor of one of the greatest golfers in history?
   Women are morally stronger than men. Women have better endurance than men, though men are generally still stronger physically, mostly because their bodies are usually larger. But that, too, could change as more women avail themselves of training and health clubs after work and before returning home to their hubbies who are becoming more sedentary due to taking on the wife’s duties of soccer-dad and preparing meals at home.   
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   Throughout the world the preference among couples is still for more male children rather than female. But that is changing. The Atlantic “The End of Men” article told of the biologist Ronald Ericsson. In the 1970s he came up with a way to separate sperm carrying the male-producing Y chromosome from those carrying the X. He sent the two kinds of sperm swimming down a glass tube through ever-thicker albumin barriers. “The sperm with the X chromosome had a larger head and a longer tail, and so, he figured, they would get bogged down in the viscous liquid. The sperm with the Y chromosome were leaner and faster and could swim down to the bottom of the tube more efficiently.”

   Ericsson leased the method to clinics around the U.S., calling it the first scientifically proven method for choosing the sex of a child. Feminists of the era did not take kindly to Ericsson and his Marlboro Man veneer. To them, the lab cowboy and his sperminator portended a dystopia of mass-produced boys. “You have to be concerned about the future of all women,” Roberta Steinbacher, a nun-turned-social-psychologist, said in a 1984 People profile of Ericsson. “There’s no question that there exists a universal preference for sons.” Steinbacher went on to complain about women becoming locked in as “second-class citizens” while men continued to dominate positions of control and influence. “I think women have to ask themselves, ‘Where does this stop?’” she said. “A lot of us wouldn’t be here right now if these practices had been in effect years ago.”
   According to Atlantic, In the ’90s, when Ericsson looked into the numbers for the two dozen or so clinics that use his process, he discovered, to his surprise, that couples were requesting more girls than boys, a gap that has persisted, even though Ericsson advertises the method as more effective for producing boys. In some clinics, Ericsson has said, the ratio is now as high as 2 to 1. Polling data on American sex preference is sparse, and does not show a clear preference for girls. But the picture from the doctor’s office unambiguously does. A newer method for sperm selection, called MicroSort, is currently completing Food and Drug Administration clinical trials. The girl requests for that method run at about 75 percent
   Even more unsettling for Ericsson, it has become clear that in choosing the sex of the next generation, he is no longer the boss.
   “It’s the women who are driving all the decisions,” he says—a change the MicroSort spokespeople I met with also mentioned. At first, Ericsson says, women who called his clinics would apologize and shyly explain that they already had two boys. “Now they just call and [say] outright, ‘I want a girl.’ These mothers look at their lives and think their daughters will have a bright future their mother and grandmother didn’t have, brighter than their sons, even, so why wouldn’t you choose a girl?”
   Besides, many parents believe rearing girls is much easier for the first few years of their lives than having boys. When girls become difficult is after age twelve, when their hormones and sexual proclivities change. Then having a girl in the home can be trouble because of what the sex hormones do to their general mentality and thinking. But that is not to say boys don’t have their problems, too.

Notes and Sources
1)   Rosin, Hanna, “The End of Men,” The Atlantic, July-August, 2010.
2)   Good, Chris, “The End of Men In Politics,” The Atlantic, June 9, 2010.
3)   “Final Nail In Obama’s U.S. Citizenship Coffin,”, April 1, 2009.
4)   “Meet the Chubby Boy With The Curly Hair: New Photographs of Barack Obama’s Childhood In Indonesia Emerge,” London Daily Mail, March 18, 2010.
5)   Limbaugh, Rush, “Food, Gas Prices Rise, It’s All Fine Because Obama Is President,” Free Republic, 3/11/11
6)   Fed’s Dudley Hints iPad Deflation Trumps Food 
  Inflation, – No Tightening Seen Soon,” Seeking Alpha,
  March 3, 2011.
7)   Hillary Was Key To Decision To Take Military Action In
  Libya,” Democrat Underground, March 22, 2011
8)   “Quick Facts: U.S. And Libyan Invasion,”
   9)Dasa, Shukavak N., “A Hindu Primer, God In Hinduism,”, March 23, 2011
  10)Oppenhiemer, Mike, “Is Allah The Name of God,” :Let Us Reason
     March 23, 2011