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Jokes
For Don
Thursday February 5, 2009

Helmsman Training

A young man who wants to see the world signs on to a steamship to be trained as a helmsman. He masters the classroom instruction, then starts his practical training on the wheel of the vessel. In his first lesson, the mate gives him a heading, and the young fellow holds to it. Then the mate orders, “Come starboard.”

Pleased at knowing immediately which way starboard is, the young man leaves the helm and walks over to his instructor.

The mate has an incredulous look on his face as the helm swings freely. Then, rather gently considering the circumstance, he asks politely, “Could you bring the ship with you?”

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Discussion

A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
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Lemons

A woman went to a Florida lemon grove to apply for a job, but the foreman thought she seemed way too qualified for the position. “Do you even have any actual experience picking lemons?” he asked.

“Well, I think I do.” she replied. “I’ve been divorced three times.”

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Good Eyes

This woman rushes to see her doctor, looking very much worried and all strung out. She rattles off, “Doctor, take a look at me. When I woke up this morning, I looked at myself in the mirror and saw my hair all wiry and frazzled up.

“My skin was all wrinkled and pasty, my eyes were blood-shot and bugging out, and I had this corpse-like look on my face! What’s wrong with me, Doctor?”

The doctor looks her over for a couple of minutes, then calmly says, “Well, I can tell you that there ain’t nothing wrong with your eyesight.”

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>In Between Selling New Cars — How About A Joke? Make That A Series of Jokes . . .

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Jokes
For Don
Thursday February 5, 2009

Helmsman Training

A young man who wants to see the world signs on to a steamship to be trained as a helmsman. He masters the classroom instruction, then starts his practical training on the wheel of the vessel. In his first lesson, the mate gives him a heading, and the young fellow holds to it. Then the mate orders, “Come starboard.”

Pleased at knowing immediately which way starboard is, the young man leaves the helm and walks over to his instructor.

The mate has an incredulous look on his face as the helm swings freely. Then, rather gently considering the circumstance, he asks politely, “Could you bring the ship with you?”

Comment on this Story | Printer Friendly | | Send Story to a Friend | Top

Discussion

A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
Comment on this Story | Printer Friendly | | Send Story to a Friend | Top

Lemons

A woman went to a Florida lemon grove to apply for a job, but the foreman thought she seemed way too qualified for the position. “Do you even have any actual experience picking lemons?” he asked.

“Well, I think I do.” she replied. “I’ve been divorced three times.”

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Good Eyes

This woman rushes to see her doctor, looking very much worried and all strung out. She rattles off, “Doctor, take a look at me. When I woke up this morning, I looked at myself in the mirror and saw my hair all wiry and frazzled up.

“My skin was all wrinkled and pasty, my eyes were blood-shot and bugging out, and I had this corpse-like look on my face! What’s wrong with me, Doctor?”

The doctor looks her over for a couple of minutes, then calmly says, “Well, I can tell you that there ain’t nothing wrong with your eyesight.”

>Say Something Funny Today, Make Someone Laugh

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Jokes
For Don
Saturday January 31, 2009

Got Any Grapes

A duck walks into a bar and asks, “Got any grapes?” The bartender, confused, tells the duck that no, his bar doesn’t serve grapes. The duck thanks him and leaves.

The next day, the duck returns and says, “Got any grapes?” Again, the bartender tells him that, no, the bar does not serve grapes, has never served grapes, and, furthermore, will never serve grapes. The duck, a little ruffled, thanks him and leaves.

The next day, the duck returns, but before he can say anything, the bartender begins to yell: ”Listen, duck! This is a bar! We do not serve grapes! If you ever ask for grapes again, I will nail your stupid duck beak to the bar!”

The duck is silent for a moment, and then asks, ”Got any nails?”

Confused, the bartenders says no.

”Good!” says the duck. ”Got any grapes?”

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Purple Monkey

A man walked into a bar and the bartender said, “Don’t touch the purple monkey up in room 222.” The man sneered and went straight up to room 222 and opened the door. There sitting right in front of him was a purple monkey.

The man laughed again and touched the monkey. He then started down the stairs…the monkey was following him. The man went outside and got into his jeep. The monkey got in the back seat. The man ignored him.

Later the man drove to the Eiffel Tower. The man got out of the car and the monkey followed. Later the man finally reached the top, but the monkey was right behind him.

The man just burst and yelled, “What do you want!”

The monkey came up to him and said, “Tag…you’re it.

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You Know You’re Growing Older When

– Everything hurts , and what doesn’t hurt, doesn’t work anyway.

– The gleam in your eyes is from the sun hitting your bifocals.

– You feel like you really hung one one the night before, and you were in bed asleep by eight.

– You get winded playing chess.

– Your children begin to look middle-aged.

– You join a health club and don’t go.

– You begin to outlive enthusiasm.

– Your mind makes contracts your body can’t meet.

– You know all the answers, but nobody asks the questions.

– You look forward to a dull evening.

– Your favorite part of the newspaper is “25 years ago today!”

– You sit in a rocking chair and can’t get it going.

– Your knees buckle and your belt won’t.

– You’re 17 around the neck and 42 around the waist.

– You stop looking forward to your next birthday.

– Dialing long distance wears you out.

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Batmobile

What did Batman say to Robin before they got into the Batmobile?

“Robin get into the Batmobile.”

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Jokes
For Don
Sunday February 1, 2009

Clean Breakfast

This morning my dad gave me soap flakes instead of corn flakes for breakfast.

I bet you were mad.

Mad? I was foaming at the mouth!

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The Tearful Bride

A new young bride calls her mother in tears. She sobs, “Robert doesn’t appreciate what I do for him.”

“Now, now,” her mother comforted, “I am sure it was all just a misunderstanding.”

“No, mother, you don’t understand. I bought a frozen turkey roll and he yelled and screamed at me about the price!”

“Well, the nerve of that lousy cheapskate!” says her mom. “Those turkey rolls are only a few dollars.”

“No, mother it wasn’t the price of the turkey, it was the airplane ticket.”

Airplane ticket…. What did you need an airplane ticket for?”

“Well mother, when I went to fix it, I looked at the directions on the package and it said – ‘Prepare from a frozen state,’ so I flew to Alaska!”

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Stupid Computer Tricks

– Computer manufacturers are considering changing the command “Press Any Key” to “Press Return Key” because of the flood of calls asking where the “Any” key is.

– A technician received a call from a man complaining that the system wouldn’t read word processing files from his old diskettes. After trouble-shooting for magnets and heat failed to diagnose the problem, it was found that the customer labeled the diskettes then rolled them into his typewriter to type the labels.

– A customer was asked to send a copy of her defective diskettes to the technician. A few days later a letter arrived from the customer along with Xeroxed copies of her diskettes.

– A technician advised his customer to put his troubled floppy back in the drive and close the door. The customer put the disk in, asked the tech to hold on, and was heard putting the phone down, getting up and closing the door to his room.

– A customer called to complain that his keyboard no longer worked. He had cleaned it by filling up his tub with soap and water and soaking the keyboard for a day, then he removed all the keys and washed them individually.

– An exasperated caller to Tech Support couldn’t get her new computer to turn on. After ensuring the computer was plugged in, the technician asked her what happened when she pushed the power button. Her response “I pushed and pushed on this foot pedal and nothing happens.” The “foot pedal” turned out to be the computer’s mouse.

– Another customer called Tech Support to say her brand-new computer wouldn’t work. She said she unpacked the unit, plugged it in, and sat there for 20 minutes waiting for something to happen. When asked what happened when she pressed the power switch, she asked “What power switch?”

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Door Signs

A person checks into a hotel for the first time in his life, and goes up to his room. Five minutes later he calls the desk and say, “You’ve given me a room with no exit. How do I leave?”

The desk clerk says, “Sir, that’s absurd. Have you looked for the door?”

The person says, ” Well, there’s one door that leads to the bathroom. There’s a second door that goes into the closet. And there’s a door I haven’t tried, but it has a ‘do not disturb’ sign on it.”

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Jokes
For Don
Monday January 26, 2009

Life After Death

“Do you believe in life after death?” the boss asked one of his employees.

“Yes, Sir.” the employee replied.

“Well, then, that makes everything just fine,” the boss went on. “After you left early yesterday to go to your grandmother’s funeral, she stopped in to see you.”

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Four-Word Story

Four-word story of employment: Hired, tired, mired, fired.
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Mexican Bandit

A Mexican bandit made a specialty of crossing the Rio Grande from time to time and robbing banks in Texas. Finally, a reward was offered for his capture, and an enterprising Texas ranger decided to track him down.

After a lengthy search, he traced the bandit to his favorite cantina, snuck up behind him, put his trusty six-shooter to the bandit’s head, and said, “You’re under arrest. Tell me where you hid the loot or I’ll blow your brains out.”

But the bandit didn’t speak English, and the Ranger didn’t speak Spanish. Fortunately, a bilingual lawyer was in the saloon and translated the Ranger’s message. The terrified bandit blurted out, in Spanish, that the loot was buried under the oak tree in back of the cantina.

“What did he say?” asked the Ranger.

The lawyer answered, “He said ‘Get lost, you turkey. You wouldn’t dare shoot me.'”

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Apprentice Blacksmith

The village blacksmith finally found an apprentice willing to work hard for long hours. The blacksmith immediately began his instructions to the lad, “When I take the shoe out of the fire, I’ll lay it on the anvil; and when I nod my head, you hit it with this hammer.”

The apprentice did just as he told. Now he’s the village blacksmith.

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Jokes for Thursday January 22, 2009

Thursday, January 22, 2009 2:46 AM
To:
dusanotes@yahoo.com

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Jokes
For Don
Thursday January 22, 2009

Three Measures

By three measures a manager is known:

– The thickness of the carpet in his offfice.
– The area of his desk.
– The volume of his car’s engine.

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Parrot Talk

An English professor complained to the pet shop proprietor, “The parrot I purchased uses improper language.”

“I’m surprised,” said the owner. “I’ve never taught that bird to swear.”

“Oh, it isn’t that,” explained the professor. “But yesterday I heard him split an infinitive.”

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Double the Beer

A man walks into a bar and orders a beer. While chatting with the bartender the man says: “I have a method that will enable you to double the amount of beer you sell every day.”

“Really?!” says the bartender, “How?”

“Very simple. Just pour full glasses.”

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Tough Account

Jones applied to a finance agency for a job, but he had no experience. He was so intense that the manager gave him a tough account with the promise that if he collected it, he’d get the job.

Two hours later, Jones came back with the entire amount. “Amazing!” the manager said. “How did you do it?”

“Easy,” Jones replied. “I told him if he didn’t pay up, I’d tell all his other creditors he paid us.”

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