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>Say Something Funny Today, Make Someone Laugh

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Jokes
For Don
Saturday January 31, 2009

Got Any Grapes

A duck walks into a bar and asks, “Got any grapes?” The bartender, confused, tells the duck that no, his bar doesn’t serve grapes. The duck thanks him and leaves.

The next day, the duck returns and says, “Got any grapes?” Again, the bartender tells him that, no, the bar does not serve grapes, has never served grapes, and, furthermore, will never serve grapes. The duck, a little ruffled, thanks him and leaves.

The next day, the duck returns, but before he can say anything, the bartender begins to yell: ”Listen, duck! This is a bar! We do not serve grapes! If you ever ask for grapes again, I will nail your stupid duck beak to the bar!”

The duck is silent for a moment, and then asks, ”Got any nails?”

Confused, the bartenders says no.

”Good!” says the duck. ”Got any grapes?”

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Purple Monkey

A man walked into a bar and the bartender said, “Don’t touch the purple monkey up in room 222.” The man sneered and went straight up to room 222 and opened the door. There sitting right in front of him was a purple monkey.

The man laughed again and touched the monkey. He then started down the stairs…the monkey was following him. The man went outside and got into his jeep. The monkey got in the back seat. The man ignored him.

Later the man drove to the Eiffel Tower. The man got out of the car and the monkey followed. Later the man finally reached the top, but the monkey was right behind him.

The man just burst and yelled, “What do you want!”

The monkey came up to him and said, “Tag…you’re it.

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You Know You’re Growing Older When

– Everything hurts , and what doesn’t hurt, doesn’t work anyway.

– The gleam in your eyes is from the sun hitting your bifocals.

– You feel like you really hung one one the night before, and you were in bed asleep by eight.

– You get winded playing chess.

– Your children begin to look middle-aged.

– You join a health club and don’t go.

– You begin to outlive enthusiasm.

– Your mind makes contracts your body can’t meet.

– You know all the answers, but nobody asks the questions.

– You look forward to a dull evening.

– Your favorite part of the newspaper is “25 years ago today!”

– You sit in a rocking chair and can’t get it going.

– Your knees buckle and your belt won’t.

– You’re 17 around the neck and 42 around the waist.

– You stop looking forward to your next birthday.

– Dialing long distance wears you out.

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Batmobile

What did Batman say to Robin before they got into the Batmobile?

“Robin get into the Batmobile.”

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